Hey, everyone! I’m so excited to be back! So much has changed since I last posted here. I’m vegan now, for one. But many other things have changed in way of my mindset. I was contemplating creating an entirely new blog but after much thought, I decided it would be interesting to keep my old posts and compare my mindset of where I was when I was age 19 versus 23 (now). I feel like the name of my blog still applies also. I came up with the name “The hike to healthy” when I was just starting to let go of wanting to eat “perfectly.” The hike to healthy, to me, is about the journey that I’ve been through in regards to my own health. The term “healthy” is subjective and can be interpreted in a number of different ways. And there is no such thing as being perfectly healthy. When I refer to health, I’m talking mental and emotional as well as physical. It has been a constant uphill climb and I am still growing and learning how to balance eating (vegan) donuts and still feeling like a beautiful, happy person afterwards and not let it give my immense amounts of guilt.
Reading my old posts, but more specifically my last and second-to-last posts from October 30-31, 2012 is so eerie to me. I was at a transition point where I had finally realized that I had been extremely under-eating and was tired of being obsessed with calories and nutrition labels and the scale. I self-diagnosed myself with Orthorexia because I was so infatuated with “clean” foods. I literally was scared of “bad” foods AKA those with a lot of sugar, fat, carbs, salt, etc. I was also scared, like actually scared, to eat foods that weren’t whole grain or wheat like white bread. So distorted, I know. I was eating 1000-1200 calories and working out intensely almost every day. I am 5’6″ and my lowest weight was 127. Weighing 127 at 5’6″ is not considered underweight but I was definitely under eating and over exercising and essentially starving myself. I realized I had a problem when I stopped getting my period for over a year. I did research and found out this was actually a known thing, called secondary amenorrhea, which usually occurs in athletes with a high activity level or those who are under eating. Basically, your body thinks your starving and stops your period because you wouldn’t be fit to be a mother. That’s actually amazing, if you really think about it.
Both of these pictures are of me at 18-20 years old eating around 1000-1200 calories a day combined with intense workouts everyday.
Next, I entered the terrible phase of my life where I started doing the exact opposite of what I was doing before. Instead of starving myself, I starting binging. It started to happen every now and then and I didn’t think too much of it. I just figured I was hungry from being starving for so long, which is true. But then it became more often and this started a vicious cycle of binging followed by extreme guilt. I’m estimating that I gained around 45 pounds in the course of about a year. I never weighed myself because I was terrified to see that number. The one time I got the courage to weigh myself I remember seeing that I was 181 pounds. I was so horrified because of how fast I gained the weight. I think I binged for about 2.5 years and during periods of high stress I was binging almost every day. Like eating until I physically couldn’t eat anymore, to the point I felt sick and like I was going to throw up. I couldn’t stop until I felt that way, which was scary because once I started binging I was completely out of control and HAD to keep eating. I felt so trapped and I remember feeling like I was always going to have Binge Eating Disorder. I wanted so desperately to stop but I didn’t know how. I know these pictures don’t really show my body all too well, but I don’t have many pictures from that time period because I didn’t want to remember what I looked like.
20-22 years old, who knows the amount of calories, little to no exercise.
My binging started to be less frequent and then completely stop once I found out I loved body building and lifting weights. Lifting weights makes me feel so strong and now, my focus is developing my muscles and fueling my body properly. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and obsessive thoughts from time to time, or have days where I am unhappy with the way my body looks, but I am a work in progress. This is me now ~165 pounds(haven’t weighed myself in a while), more muscular and happier with my body than ever.
Also, every body is different. Just because I weigh a certain weight now or disliked my body at a certain weight does not mean that one shouldn’t hate their body at that weight. The reason I was unhappy with my body at 180 pounds is because of the mental state I was in. Every body is beautiful.
If anyone has similar stories, questions, comments, please don’t hesitate to ask! I would LOVE to hear from you guys.